To Sleep, Perchance to Dream
by Awinters25 - TeamAngst
Summary: Marian Hawke falls into a dark pit of despair following the death of her mother. Rated M for violence, character deaths, suicidal thoughts and angst. Read at your own risk! (This was written for the 2014 Summer Competition over at DAFW Group on Facebook)
1. A Sea of Troubles

**A/N:** This story was written for the 2014 Summer Competition on Facebook's Dragon Age Fanfiction Writer's Group. All of the contestants received a randomly generated topic with both genre and characters to write a story about. It had to be between 10K and 50K words and needed to be completed and posted before 31st August to be eligible for the judging. Since I am a judge for this competition (along with Apollo Wings and Meli Landry), my story is ineligible for any of the awards that will be handed out. However, I wanted to participate with everyone else and this is what happened. I appreciate any reviews you'd like to leave. This is a difficult story to write and is very sad.

**Prompt: Title – To Sleep Perchance To Dream. Genre – Tragedy/Hurt/Comfort. Characters – Choice of Mage!Hawke, Fenris, Anders & Leandra**

**Warning: This story contains a lot of suicidal thoughts, death and tragedy. Please don't read if you are sensitive to any of these subjects. This is your **_**only**_ **warning.**

* * *

_Chapter 1: "A Sea of Troubles"_

"She'll be ok, Hawke." Anders was saying from somewhere behind her as she, Anders and Fenris walked the tunnels underneath Darktown. "Your mother is a strong and capable woman. She'll be alright. You'll see."

"Stop speaking, mage." Fenris growled at the healer. "You aren't helping."

Marian Hawke ignored both of the men following her. She didn't want to deal with the jealous bickering they tended to get into while on missions with her. She needed them at their best and if they were arguing, this would be a disaster. The tunnels ahead seemed to stretch for miles as she wound her way through the dull and dank place. Water dripped somewhere in the distance. The smell of urine and damp earth assaulted her nose and instead of retching like she wanted to, Marian just breathed through her mouth.

The elf and the mage couldn't sense it, but Marian's nerves were frayed. Turmoil warred with fury, putting her on edge. She was prepared to slit the throat of the first person to cross her path. Shades and abominations appeared from the darkest corners of the tunnels and she cut through each new foe with the rage of a demon.

Twirling her staff over her head briefly, she then brought it to the ground with a thud. Her elemental magic channeled itself through the steel rod before lunging towards the closest abomination. Electricity erupted around the creature, frying it where it stood. Burnt flesh mixed with the other smells of the tunnels, but Marian was too focused to notice. She was determined to kill anything that stood between her and her mother. Nothing would stop her. She would save the woman who raised her if it was the last thing she did.

Marian knew Fenris and Anders were probably staring at her strangely, not completely sure how to handle her sudden burst of destructive energy as she fought the monsters in front of them, but she didn't give a shit. She was sick of people worrying about her. She was sick of worrying about the fucking mage plight. She was sick of dealing with blood mages and possessed Templars. The only person she had left, her mother, was in the clutches of a murderer. Marian didn't know if Leandra was dead or alive, but she wasn't going to give up until she saved her mother or blew the fucker who hurt her to pieces.

The smell of sulfur assaulted her senses and gripping the cold metal of her staff, Marian whirled around to face a Rage demon. Its eyes glowed red hot in a caricature of a face. Something that could be considered skin was pulled tight over its form, gray and twisted like an old tree. Fire burned from inside its body out and Marian wasn't sure if it would bleed liquid fire or regular old blood.

_Only one way to find out_, she thought as a grim smile spread across her pretty face. The staff she held in her hands wasn't just for focusing her magic through. At one end was a crystal that helped her direct the energies of her electricity and frost spells towards an enemy. The other end, however, was sharpened into a very deadly dagger that could pierce even the toughest flesh.

With a deranged chuckle erupting from her throat, Marian pulled from her pool of mana, a tingle flowing through her veins as the Fade touched her. Whispering the words of Winter's Grasp, she swung the crystal encrusted end of the staff at the demon. Ice coated its skin, glittering in the dim torchlight of the passageway. Spinning the staff in a quick circle, the bladed end collided with the solid ice, shattering the demon into thousands of tiny specks. Her breathing was heavy as she turned around to face her companions.

Brushing her dark hair from her eyes, she caught the strained expressions on both of their faces. With a grunt and slanted topaz eyes, she leaned on her staff as the bladed end sunk into the dirt beneath her feet. "What is the problem?"

Anders and Fenris exchanged a quick glance, neither doing much to hide their concern. The two of them rarely agreed on anything, but seeing them share the same look irritated Marian.

When neither of them spoke, Marian felt her anger flare dangerously. "I have fucked both of you. The least you could do is be honest with me. I've never asked for much else."

Fenris accepted her words as the challenge they were. "You fight as if possessed. It's… worrying."

"_Worrying_?" Marian spat, at the end of her patience. Anders and Fenris argued worse than two elderly women and if it wasn't about mages, then it was about her. As if she wasn't there. As if she wasn't a person with feelings and desires who cared little for what they thought of her. "My mother is the captive of some psycho and the two of you are fighting over _me_! Forgive me for not giving a _flying nug shit_!"

Anders' amber eyes widened at her outburst while Fenris' nostrils flared, obviously heated at her disregard for his distress. She had more important things to worry about than a pissing contest between her two lovers.

"Are you done?" Fenris asked, looking more hurt than she'd ever seen him before.

With a snort, Marian turned away from them and stomped forward. Her emotions were a complete mess. She was hot and cold, fire and ice. One moment, she wanted to cry then the next she wanted to kill something. At least she got to fulfill the second part. Abominations were popping up in her path every few feet.

It wasn't much farther in when the area opened up into something like looked similar to a living space. A small bed had been set up in one corner, a wrinkled and dusty quilt laid out across the straw mattress. A chest was placed at the foot of the makeshift cot, a padlock secured at the opening to keep thieves out. Marian almost wished she had brought Varric with her. He would have made easy work of the blasted latch. Frustrated, she was searching through the papers on a small table by a fireplace when Anders let out a startled gasp.

Glancing up, she saw he was staring at a fixture somewhere behind her. Marian followed his gaze and almost let out her own gasp at the sight that met her eyes. A portrait of a beautiful woman hung over the mantle of the fireplace, but it wasn't the fact that she was attractive that caught Marian's attention. The woman looked eerily similar to her missing mother.

"Hawke…" Fenris' deep voice spoke up from beside her. "That woman resembles your mother, doesn't she?"

Marian's breath caught. As she stared at the painting, her heart began to race. What was this psycho planning for her mother?

"A shrine dedicated to a wife? A sister?" Anders asked no one in particular.

Marian didn't care _who_ this woman was. Her only concern was finding her mother and getting them all out of these dreaded underground passages alive. "I need to find her. _Now_."

Neither man spoke again as they fought even more ferociously. Time was even more of the essence and Marian wouldn't rest until they'd finish what they'd set out to do. The man the trio was searching for turned out to not be far from his little 'home'. As Marian approached him, she took in his features quickly. Tall, lanky, gray hair slicked back to reveal a prominent widow's peak. His skin was wrinkled with his age. The robes he wore were wrinkled and filthy. He'd clearly been living in the tunnels for some time now. He seemed to sense his guests because a pair of oddly pale eyes glanced up at her.

With a wide smile, as if welcoming an old friend, the man spoke. "I was wondering when you'd show up. Leandra was so sure you'd come for her."

At the mention of her mother's name, Marian couldn't calm her temper. This man was a threat, to her, to her mother, to her well being and the safety of Kirkwall. She'd end his reign of terror tonight no matter what. This man would feel death's kiss. Allowing her rage to consume her, Marian took a threatening step forward. "Where is she?"

A sadistic grin replaced his genial one. It chilled her blood. "You will never understand my purpose. Your mother was chosen because she was special, and now she is part of something… greater."

"Spare me the demented rambling. Where is she?" Marian was getting sick of these insane blood mages, for that was what he obviously was, and their desire to gain more power. If it wasn't for Merrill's sweet demeanor, she would have put a blade through the elf's heart long ago.

"She's here. She's waiting for you." The man glanced over his shoulder towards a large chair that faced away from them. "I have done the impossible. I have touched the face of the Maker and lived." His attention returned to where Marian stood and a strange expression descended upon his face. He looked as if he were somewhere far away. Somewhere no one else could touch him. "Do you know what the strongest force in the universe is? _Love._"

The man turned and walked away from them, back towards the chair he'd been standing by when she and her companions had arrived. Marian had a clear idea of who was sitting in the chair, but not knowing what she'd find scared her to death.

"I pieced her together from memory. I found her eyes, her skin, her delicate fingers…" As he spoke, the man's voice became lighter, happier, as if whatever he'd done had been exactly what he needed. Marian could feel dread overtake her and unable to shake the feeling that something was terribly _wrong_, she continued to listen to him speak. "And at last, her face… oh, this beautiful face."

The figure in the chair began to move.

"I searched far and wide to find you again, beloved, and no force on this earth will part us."

The figure, quite clearly a woman wearing a pure white wedding dress, began to turn to face Marian and as she waited to see the face, she knew who it was before her mother's eyes even met hers. The woman who had once been Leandra Hawke was no more. Instead there stood a creature of terrible proportions. The blood mage had done as he'd described and stitched a woman together from the body parts of others. The face was Leandra's, but the rest of her wasn't. Milky blue eyes stared at her and in that single moment, Marian knew the meaning of true fear. She'd faced demons, abominations, darkspawn… but none of that could prepare her for what she saw as she gazed upon the visage of her dear mother.

Marian could feel the pull of magic from the man in front of her, but she couldn't care. Tears clouded her vision, her heart no longer beat normally. It was fractured inside of her chest. The pieces were scattered to the wind and she knew that there was nothing that would mend her again.

Fenris, with his greatsword in hand, rushed the blood mage, intent on killing the man as he pulled on the Fade. Anders put up a spirit shield around Marian to protect her from harm as skeletons began to rise from the ground. She could hear fighting, shouted orders, the screams of the undead creatures, but none of it truly registered. Her gaze was fixed on the dead eyes of her mother. Leandra took a few steps forward, as if trying to reach for Marian, when her legs gave out and she fell to the dusty ground of the tunnel.

Marian ran to her mother as fast as her numb feet would carry her. Sinking into the dirt and shit that covered the ground, the mage pulled her mother into her arms without conscious thought. Leandra's eyes gazed up at her and for a moment, Marian could almost forget the horror that was taking place. That her mother was well and that they were back at the estate, Leandra smiling brightly at her as they laughed about old times in Lothering.

But this wasn't the time for memories. Leandra was dying in her arms and Marian couldn't stop it. _Why couldn't she stop it?_

The sounds of battle faded and all that was left was nothing. A desolate calm fell over Marian. It was over, but then again, she knew it couldn't end any other way. Her father, Bethany, Carver and now her mother… where would the death end?

"There is nothing I can do." She heard Anders say though the words didn't seem to make sense. "His magic was keeping her alive."

Tears burned her cheeks, warm like fire against her cold skin. Oh Maker, what had she done to deserve this life?

Her mother's head lolled back enough that she could see Marian's face. A sad smile was in place and it nearly destroyed her. "I knew you would come."

Leandra's voice wasn't her own. It was too low, too scratchy to be that of her mother. The thought of being alone invaded her mind, but Marian knew it was not the time to dwell on her pain. That would come later. Her mother was fading fast and she could not waste these last moments on herself.

"Don't move, mother. We'll find a way to help you. I'll-"

"Shh…" Leandra whispered, hushing Marian's words. "Don't fret, darling. That man would have kept me trapped in here. But now… I'm free. I get to see the twins again… and your father. But you'll be here alone."

Teardrops fell from her eyes and to her mother's wax-like skin. It was too hard to keep the despair from engulfing her so Marian let it. "I should have watched over you more closely. I should have…" A strangled sob broke from her throat leaving her unable to complete her sentence.

"My little girl has become so strong. I love you. You've always made me so proud."

With one final breath, Leandra's eyes drifted close. Pulling her mother's body close to her own, Marian finally lost her control. Her cries turned to screams within the small confines of the dark tunnels. Her companions left her to her inconsolable grief.


	2. To Die, To Sleep

_Chapter 2: "To Die, To Sleep"_

A fire crackled in the hearth. Although the blaze was hot, it did little to warm the coldness in Marian's chest. She had already bathed the blood and filth from her body, but she still felt like rubbish. Her mother's body had been taken away by Anders and Fenris, both of them stating that they'd prepare funerals rites and then the next morning, once Marian had gotten some sleep, they'd bury Leandra in the family plot. Glancing down at her pale hands, the reflection of the flames danced against her skin, turning it a rosy color. All Marian saw while looking at her hands, however, was the blood that had covered it not more than an hour before.

Footsteps descended the staircase behind her. She ignored the thump of boots on the carpet as their owner approached where she sat in her wing-backed chair. She knew she couldn't ignore him forever. She wouldn't have even realized Mother was missing if not for him.

"Did you find her?" The man asked, voice full of fear and hope. His emotions were warring with one another, much like hers were.

Closing her light blue eyes while, at the same time, trying to keep the tears at bay, Marian responded, her heart breaking all over again. "She's gone, Uncle."

"What? How?" Her mother's brother, Gamlen Amell, sputtered his words as he fell into his own grief. "Why didn't you stop him?"

"I was too late." Marian whispered, her mother's cloudy gaze hovering in her mind. "I failed her. I failed you, Uncle."

Gamlen let out a sob and that was what crushed her heart under the boot heel she'd already placed it under. She wouldn't look at Gamlen, knowing full well his anguish was just as deep as hers. "So it's your fault!" Marian didn't know how he'd managed to speak between his tears but she didn't attempt to stop him from speaking the very words she thought herself. "If you had been faster in rescuing her, a better daughter-"

Gamlen trailed off as his sorrow overtook him. He wept in the silence that descended upon their sad scene and Marian, finally opening her eyes, realized she was shedding tears of her own.

"You're right, Uncle. This is all my fault." Marian choked out, hating how the words sounded coming from her mouth. It didn't make them any less true, however. "I've failed this family. Bethany died protecting us as we fled from Lothering. Carver died in the Deep Roads when I foolishly brought him with the expedition. Now Mother is dead because I… was too late."

Gamlen didn't comment on her admission. The guilt she felt was more than enough without him adding to it. With a shuddering breath, she leaned back into the warm, stiff fabric of the chair. She just wished the floor would open up underneath her and swallow her whole. Or that a Templar would finally smite her and send her to the void for being an apostate.

Marian hadn't realized that Gamlen was still in the room when, a few minutes later, he spoke. "Did you kill him?"

The image of the mage's dead body, Fenris' sword bloodied from being press through his chest, floated through her thoughts. With a grim smile, she nodded stiffly. "He's dead."

"I hope he suffered."

There had been so much blood in the tunnels. Marian was sure Fenris had done as much damage as he could before killing the mage. She didn't respond, and instead, scratched her Mabari hound between the ears as she pressed against Marian's legs. Gamlen left not long after, shutting the door with an audible click, leaving her alone for the first time that day. Her body deflated under the weight of so much emotion.

Lupo whined, sensing her sadness. The dog's large tongue met her skin in a wet, slobbery kiss. It didn't have the desired effect the dog had planned. Marian leaned forward, kissing Lupo on her nose, before standing up from the chair. The Mabari was at her heels a moment later and Marian paused, turning to face her loyal companion.

"Stay here, girl. I need some alone time, alright?" Marian told the dog sternly.

Lupo made a pitiful cry at the directive. With a sigh, Marian placed a hand on the Mabari's head and patted it gently.

"I'll be fine, girl." Marian turned away and climbed the staircase, seeking the sanctuary of her bedroom. She wasn't entirely positive what time Anders would return to the estate, but she needed to get away from everyone. She couldn't handle what she was feeling. She didn't want to _feel_ at all. Turmoil and pain were twisting her into a creature she no longer recognized.

Gripping the sash that held her robe closed, Marian pulled it away from her body and let the silk fall to the ground. The actual robe followed it a moment later leaving her naked in the dim light of her bedroom. Going to the privacy screen, Marian pumped water into the tub that stood there. Then she sank into the warmth of the bath, the second of the night, and lay back against the side. For a few moments, Marian could pretend that the world didn't exist. That her mother hadn't succumbed to the dark death that had claimed her entire family.

The passing thought of her mother brought up more images of the tunnel, the way she'd been stitched together as if she wasn't a human being and how her life had faded while she lay in Marian's arms, the spell keeping her alive ending. Following those were memories of Bethany being crushed by the ogre outside of Lothering, Carver submitting to the darkspawn taint much the way Aveline's husband, Wesley, had. The feel of the steel blade in her hand as she ran it across Carver's throat to keep him from becoming a monster. She'd shed so much blood over the past six years in Kirkwall, some innocent, some not, but in the end it didn't matter. She doubted the Maker would accept her at his side now.

Tears fell from her eyes and mixed with the soapy water around her. Why should she fight it? She had no one left that cared whether she lived or died. Her mother and siblings were gone because of her stupid actions. Her father murdered just to protect she and Bethany from the Templars. How had she honored his sacrifice? By getting the rest of them killed. Darkspawn, blood mages, Templars… in the end, it was all the same. Monsters came out of the dark to take away those you loved most, leaving you with nothing but sorrow and guilt.

Sniffing back more tears, Marian ran a hand through her short, ebony hair. She had cut it the day her father had been killed and every time it grew too long, she would do it again. There was no point, anymore. No one would remember Malcolm Hawke.

Just like no one would remember Leandra.

Dropping her hand away from her hair, she let it dangle over the side of the tub, her fingers brushing the stone floor underneath. Marian knew she had Anders: sweet, beautiful Anders. She knew he loved her as much as a man as broken as he could. She had accepted him, pieces and all, but would he be able to accept her now? She was far too gone to find true happiness again. There wasn't much left for her to live for.

Then there was Fenris. Despite the pain of his own past, he had proven his loyalty and devotion to her. Even after they had consummated their relationship, even though he wasn't ready for the intimacy, he had continued to follow her… and she had fallen into the arms of another man. A man that Fenris disliked. It was the worst type of betrayal she could have done and yet, he remained.

Her fingers brushed something cold and hard on the floor beside the tub. Glancing over, her eyes caught the glint of metal. Running her hand along the silverite dagger, Marian found the hilt and gripped tightly. The dagger was small, the very one she'd wear in her boot during their missions just in case her magic failed her. It was etched with runes that would make the weapon, despite how small it was, cut through any leather armor it encountered. Her father had given it to her years ago and it was the one thing she'd brought with her from Lothering.

The metal edge found the skin of her forearm and she slid it slowly across. Stinging followed the cut and seeing her lifeblood drip from her skin to the water she sat in made her feel a little better. The physical pain of the wound was enough to distract her barely beating heart from feeling the sorrow of Leandra's death. Another cut parallel to the first and then another… she continued this pattern until she'd run out of bare skin on her arm. Then she switched to the other.

Lupa's claws could be heard at the door but Marian didn't pay it any mind. Instead, the next cut she made went a little deeper. Hissing at the pain of the particularly bad cut, she let the knife drop from her hand and clatter back to the floor. She felt as if she was floating on air and the feeling made her calm. It was almost like she was at peace. Closing her eyes, Marian settled back against the tub and submerged her torn arms in the water. Soap bubbles stung the cuts and blood darkened the water as she lay there.

Marian wasn't sure how long she lay in the bathtub or how much blood had left her body, but she didn't care. She would finally be reunited with her broken family. That thought was oddly comforting after everything that had happened. Exhaustion overtook her and her eyelids began to droop.

She was pulled out of her hazy nothingness when her body was pulled violently from the tub. Blinking her blue eyes open, Marian found a pair of amber irises staring down at her. It took her a moment to recognize the man who held her in his arms, naked with lacerated arms, soaking his robes with bath water and blood. His dark blond hair was hanging loose around his face, stubble covering his jaw and a look of fear on his face. Marian wanted to reach out and smooth out the worry lines that had formed, but she felt so tired. She wanted to close her eyes.

"Marian?" Anders shouted at her, shaking her in an attempt to keep her conscious. "Marian! Maker's balls, what have you done?"

"A-Anders?" She whispered, a shiver racking her body. She was so _cold_. "This is what I deserve."

"What are you on about?" He hissed, laying her to the even colder ground and shifted so he leaned over her. The candles near the tub illuminated his face and she could see tears on his cheeks. "Just hold still. I… I can fix this."

Marian shook her head or at least she tried to. "I don't want you t-to."

Anders cursed under his breath as he lifted his hands over one of her arms. Blue light glowed around them as he forced all of his mana into healing her shredded limbs. Marian could feel the cuts mend themselves slowly and as they did, some semblance of sanity returned to her mind. She felt frail, but underneath the weakness was a burning pain. She realized it was her heart.

Anders' hands dropped to his sides, tired at the draining effects the magic had on him. Marian's body began to tremble as what she'd done descended on her. Hot tears burned her cheeks and terrified, she gazed up at Anders. His expression was solemn, filled with not only his sadness at this act, but also something that tore something more inside of her. She had betrayed his trust. She hadn't gone to him like she's promised she would.

"Anders, I-"

"Shh." He whispered, delicately wrapped his arms around her body and pulling her to his chest. He was still soaked with blood and water, but to her, he was her strength. "I'm here. It'll be alright, love."

Tears came unbidden to her and pressing her face into his wet robes, she allowed him to comfort her. Nothing was ever going to be the same and Marian wasn't sure if she could accept that.


	3. End the Heartache

**A/N:** The scene in this chapter happened due to a conversation FenZev and I had about Fenris, Anders and sex. (Don't ask. If you want to blame someone, blame her.) So of course the warning for this is: smut! Very sexy, angry smut. :3

Musical inspiration for this chapter: "I Love the Darkness in You" by the 69 Eyes

* * *

_Chapter 3: "End the Heartache"_

A cool breeze tossed hair into her eyes, but Marian didn't bother brushing it back. The freshly dug grave at her feet mocked her. Her mother, her wonderful and loving mother, was dead and although her friends told her it wasn't her fault, Marian believed it was. She hadn't killed her mother with her own hands, but magic had been the perpetrator. The same magic flowed through her body and that was more than enough reason to blame herself. She should have protected Leandra better. She should have done something.

Sebastian was speaking. He was the only person she knew that could speak the Chant with such ease. As he recited the Canticle of Trials, Marian's eyes didn't stray from where her mother rested. It was the last thing she could do to give Leandra a proper farewell. Anders was standing beside her like he always did, resolute and strong in the face of her doubts. His hand was soft and warm in her grip, keeping her anchored to the present. She didn't know what she'd do without him. He kept her sane despite the contrary and though she didn't show it often, she was grateful for his presence.

"Draw your last breath, my friends. Cross the Veil and the Fade and all the stars in the sky. Rest at the Maker's right hand and be Forgiven." Sebastian concluded, placing a hand over his heart and bowing his head. The others did the same, but Marian couldn't move. She knew her friends gave their sympathies before leaving to return to their respective homes, but she couldn't even say a word of thanks.

Marian didn't know how long she stood there staring down at the pile of dirt that covered her mother's body, but it had grown dark when Anders lightly tugged on her hand.

When she finally glanced at him, his amber eyes were soft and comforting. "Time to go home, love."

Marian nodded and allowed him to lead her back to the estate in Hightown. She felt numb. With the destructive episode the night before, and all of the crying she did after in Anders' arms, she had lost the ability to feel anything.

Shouldn't she at least care about how her actions affected Anders and her friends? Shouldn't she feel some sort of remorse, some guilt over their pain? They were suffering from this as well, though not as directly. Her anger over the unfairness of it, the raw emotion that Mother's death pulled from her was enough to make those around her feel the same. Shouldn't she be worried about them as well as herself?

Anders opened the door to the estate and moved aside to let her pass. The house was quiet. Without her mother's incessant chattering, it was as if the entire place had gone cold and dark, much like her soul. Bodahn and his son, Sandal, had gone to visit friends the day before Leandra's death, neither knowing what had transpired since. Marian wasn't sure she was ready to explain.

With the door locked behind them, Anders took her by the hand once more and brought her to their shared room. Once in the safety of the bedroom, he began to unlace the black dress she'd worn for the burial. She stood still as his fingers worked the tight strings. Then she let the dress pool around her feet. Anders turned to start the pumps for a bath when Marian's hand closed over his wrist. Confused, he glanced up at her.

"Don't." She said, indicating the tub with a nod of her head. "I have something else in mind."

With an eyebrow raised, Anders tried to read her expression, but she gave nothing away. He never could read her the way he wanted to. It only made the power she had over him that much greater. "Something else? Why don't I like the sound of those words?"

Marian knew Anders was aware of how very exposed she was, both physically and emotionally. His good sense would tell him not to take advantage of her in such a situation, but the part that was very much a man would want to ravish her where she stood. She hoped the latter would win out. Placing a finger on her collarbone, she trailed it across her skin until it came to the spot between her breasts. Anders' eyes followed the movement with a hungry expression. With a small upturning of her lips, she took a step closer to him. Even in the dim lighting, Marian could see his pupils dilate with desire.

"Marian, this isn't a good idea-"

"Shh." She whispered, placing a finger to his lips to keep him from speaking again. "I want this, my love."

It was clearly difficult for him, but somehow Anders found the strength to take a step away from her. The warmth of his body gone from her reach made the ache in her chest return. "You don't know what you're asking for, Marian."

A frown crossed her face. How dare he question her desires? Her wants? Her needs? "I do know what I'm asking, Anders. I'm not an idiot."

He shook his head, clearly not convinced. "I will not, cannot, take this from you. Not in this way."

Anders turned away and refused to meet her gaze. Frustrated, Marian reached down to grab the discarded dress from the floor. "You're a coward, Anders. For all you claim to care for me, you care for your plight more."

Marian, with the black gown in her hands, walked to her closet and shoved it in without a thought to wrinkling it. Then she grabbed the closest mage's robe and headed for the bedroom door.

Anders glanced over his shoulder as she reached for the doorknob. "Where are you going?"

Shooting him a withering glare, Marian spat, "If I can't get what I want here, then I'll go to Fenris. At least I know he won't question my judgement."

Wounded, Anders took a step towards her as if to stop her exit. With an eye roll, Marian turned away from him to pull open the door. She'd barely gotten it wide enough to walk through when it suddenly slammed shut with such force, it almost sent Marian off of her feet. Anders was no longer near the tub, but instead, behind her, his hand holding the door shut.

With wide topaz eyes, Marian stared up at him in shock before turning her emotions towards anger. She pointed a finger to his chest, pissed that he was so much stronger than her even as a mage. "Let me go."

"No." He growled, amber eyes flashing with his own irritation.

Dropping the robes she was holding, Marian lifted a hand to slap him across the face. Anders, expecting this, gripped her wrist in the hand that wasn't holding the door closed. Slamming it against the wall behind her, he held her in an unrelenting grip.

"Let me go." Marian hissed, trying not to show fear at his sudden display of fury. Anders never reacted so violently. That was usually Justice...

Blue swirled in his amber depths as he stared down at her. His sandy blond hair had come loose from his ponytail and hung like a curtain between them. Gritting her teeth in annoyance, Marian pressed her body against Anders' and attempted to break free. All it did was stoke the fire higher in him and his hand, the one that had held the door, came down to grip her throat. It didn't hinder her breathing, nor did it hurt, Justice wasn't attempting to harm her, but it made her want to claw his eyes out.

"Bring Anders back, Justice." Marian spoke through her teeth as she leered up at the possessed mage. "I refuse to communicate through you."

Justice was now completely in possession of her lover's body. The Fade energy that sustained him broke through parts of Anders' skin bathing them in a brilliant blue glow. The abomination wearing Anders' face smirked down at her in victory. "Anders won't take you in this state and yet you torture him by speaking your former lover's name. If you want sexual comfort from Anders, I will give you what you desire."

Marian was somewhat disgusted by his offer. "With you? You are nothing but a vengeful Fade spirit. No better than a demon in my opinion. I will not copulate with a demon. Now release me."

Anders… Justice… did not loosen his grip. Instead, he leaned his face closer to hers and whispered, "I am no demon."

Lifting her gaze, Marian responded the only way she could. "Prove it."

Marian had expected Justice to let her go, but she was surprised when Anders' lips met hers in earnest. He was demanding and wouldn't release her as he took her mouth without abandon. Marian leaned back into the door behind her and allowed him to do as he wished. She wasn't able to move with how he pinned her body with his, but she had to admit the kiss wasn't disappointing. It was fiery and wild, igniting a fire in her that she thought long dead.

Testing her limits, Marian lifted the only hand she had free and brought it to Anders' chest. She could feel the feathers of his robes soft beneath her fingers. With a courage she found somewhere deep within, she took a hand full of the fabric in her grip and tugged him closer. He stumbled into her. Marian's head hit the door violently and dazed, she pulled her lips from his.

"Are you alright, love?" Anders asked softly, his voice no longer holding the deep tenor it did when Justice was in control. Her eyes met his and she was relieved to see the blue was gone. His gaze was clear of the dangerous power the spirit wielded.

Marian licked her lips, her mouth swollen from the brutal kisses they'd shared. "I want you, Anders. Please."

This time he didn't push her away. Anders' hands gripped her waist and pulled her against his body. The rough fabric of the robes scratched her skin, but instead of being uncomfortable, it send her nerve endings on fire. Placing her hands against his chest, she pushed him backwards, moving with him until his legs hit the bed. Then she shoved him hard.

Anders landed on the mattress and with a smirk, watched in anticipation as Marian leaned forward to undo the belt that held his robe together. With quick fingers, she had the ties undone and his body exposed. Her thin fingers wrapped around his erection and began to stroke him teasingly. Anders clenched the blankets around him and tilted his head back as desire washed over him. Marian expertly worked him into a frenzy and felt her own body respond in kind to the moans coming from his throat. She was about to climb on top of him when Anders grabbed her around the waist and turned them so she was on the bed, he towering over her. A hand clutched a handful of her short hair and pulled, sending pain through her scalp. The pain spurred her desire and unable to wait, she moved his free hand towards her entrance.

Anders pulled away easily and clucked his tongue at her. "Now, now, love. Just for that, you're going to have to wait."

His mouth found its way to her nipple and as he sucked, Marian's body twisted underneath him. She tried, without success, to guide his cock to her sensitive spot, but he kept it just out of her reach. With frustration building, both sexual and emotional, she bit into the flesh at his shoulder. The tang of blood filled her mouth as she broke the skin.

Anders hissed at the pain of the bite and in retribution, pulled harder on her hair. The throbbing in her head increased until she finally couldn't take it anymore. With a strength she didn't realize she possessed, Marian gripped his ass and pulled him forward. His erection impaled her tightness, creating a mixture of pleasure and pain that she gasped at. Anders pulled out slightly, readjusted his position and thrust in again. Marian let out a scream as the discomfort turned into an all encompassing gratification.

Her hands left his buttocks and raked down his back, leaving cuts that would most likely form scars. She reveled in the pain coming from where they were connected and giving him a taste of his own medicine, she took one his nipples into her mouth. A curse left him as an orgasm rocked his body. The contact was the last straw in his control. Burying his face in her neck, Anders continued to move his hips, prolonging his orgasm while finally bringing her to her own completion.

As the shivers of ecstasy settled, Anders rolled off of Marian and lay on the bed. Gathering her in his arms, he kissed the places where she'd cut herself the night before. Then he settled them into the pillows to rest. As he was falling asleep beside her, Marian reached up to kiss his hair covered jaw. She loved this man with everything she possessed. She fervently prayed to the Maker that her love for him would be enough to heal her emotional damage.


	4. What Dreams May Come

Chapter 4: "What Dreams May Come"

_The Fade was a strange place. It was where humans and elves went when they dreamed. It was a place mages could walk freely, being ever conscious during their time there. The raw lyrium veins and twisted rock formations lent eerie shadows to the ethereal world, making it appear more sinister than it was._

_Marian Hawke didn't enjoy walking the Fade, she rather enjoyed the living world outside of it, but she knew why she was there. She could still see her mother. Enough time hadn't passed for her to go to the Maker's side yet… or at least she hoped that was so._

_Her feet were bare as she stepped along the rough rocky path. Shadows danced in and out of her line of vision; demons, spirits and other souls lost on this eternal plane. This was where Justice, the spirit that was entwined with Anders, had come from. This was where demons resided. This was where mages had all of the power. _

_With a calming breath, Marian knelt and brushed her hand over one of the exposed lyrium veins. Its magic hummed in the air, the mineral sending mana through her. The rush was nothing like she'd ever experienced before. She knew touching the lyrium in its raw form was dangerous, many mages and templars had died from its effects, but she was in the Fade. It wasn't real._

"_Marian…"_

_Her mother's voice called out to her. Marian Hawke would have known that sweet tinkling sound anywhere. Pulling her hand away from the lyrium, she stood once more and glanced at her surroundings. She didn't see Leandra anywhere, but the voice floated around her as if it were a caress. Wiping her hands on her robes, Marian began to wander the Fade's scenery._

_She knew she was asleep in Anders' arms at that moment. As much as she wished to go back there, to be with the man she loved, to let him hold her and comfort her mournful heart, Marian knew that she would know no peace until she sought her mother out in the Fade. With each step she took farther into the dream world, the closer she came to where her mother's soul waited._

_It didn't take much effort to find Leandra. The older woman was standing on the edge of the floating rock Marian shared with her. Her blue eyes were staring up into what would have been the sky if such a thing existed in the Fade. The Black City loomed above them, looking sinister and dark. It didn't matter when or where in the Fade you appeared, the Black City was a constant fixture._

"_It's strange." Leandra's kind voice said as she continued to gaze upon the former seat of the Maker. "Even though the Maker's abandoned it, the Golden City still stands."_

_Marian paused in her steps at the sound of her mother's voice. "It's always been there, Mother. Every person who enters the Fade can see it."_

_Leandra glanced over her shoulder at her daughter, a sad expression on her face. Her grey hair hung around her shoulders, her blue eyes clear and intelligent. There were no signs of the horrible ordeal she'd been through the day before. Marian was thankful for that small miracle. If she had to see her mother undead again, she would have jumped off of the rocks and into the watery abyss below._

"_My darling girl. I'm sorry for what happened." Leandra shook her head, her hair flying around her face. "I never imagined it could end so terribly."_

_Marian felt the desire to cry at her mother's sadness. "You didn't know, Mother. You couldn't have. I should have told you about the lilies, about the murders. I was only trying to protect you."_

"_I know, my dear. You've had such a weight on your shoulders since your father passed. Taking it upon yourself to provide for our family, to take the blame for Carver and Bethany's deaths. You have done nothing, but support us and I will be eternally grateful for that." Leandra gazed back towards the Black City, a place that had once been full of beauty, now corrupted by blood magic. "I must join them now, Marian."_

_Marian's knees gave out from under her and as she collapsed to the rocky ground, the sharp stone cut into her soft flesh. The smell of blood filled the air and she could hear the growls of demons hoping to feed upon her power. Tears fell from her eyes as she looked at her mother. Leandra wasn't afraid of what was to come. She had accepted her death. She would be reunited with her husband, her children._

_Marian would be completely alone for the first time in her life. Is that why she was holding on so tightly?_

_Leandra crossed the short distance between them before kneeling at her daughter's side. With a steady hand, she caressed the dark tresses from Marian's face before leaning in to place a soft kiss upon her head. "Be well, my dear girl. You are stronger than you think."_

_Tears made it impossible for her to respond. All she could do was sit in a slowly growing pile of her own blood while she wept for her lost family._

* * *

Voices woke her. At first, Marian thought it was remnants of her dream echoing through her mind. Once the initial fogginess cleared from her brain, she realized it was two men arguing.

"You took advantage of her, mage!" A deep voice spat, furious and not bothering to hide it. "She is broken and you had no right to do such a thing to her!"

"Yes because I _asked_ her to throw herself at me." Another voice, this one not as deep as the previous voice, but familiar enough that it pulled at her heart. "She threatened to go to your place so what was I supposed to do!"

"Not give in to the ramblings of a woman clearly unable to make her own decisions."

Marian's mind finally caught up to what, or more accurately _who_, they were speaking in regards to. Fenris and Anders were directly outside of her bedroom door, arguing in hushed voices that weren't as quiet as they thought. Grumbling under her breath and wiping stray tears from her cheeks, the dream of her mother gone for the moment, Marian grabbed a dressing robe from the chair beside her bed and, after pulling it on, made her way to the door. Yanking it open in her anger, she was greeted by the sight of Fenris and Anders standing in front of each other, shock on their face at her abrupt appearance.

"Marian, I-" Anders began, but she refused to hear an explanation.

"What in the Void do the two of you think you are doing?" She hissed, her eyes moving from her boyfriend to the thin yet strong elf. "Fenris- _why _are you here? Have you come to start more shit with Anders?"

"Not at all." He answered, tossing a shock of white hair from his eyes and levelling a glare in her direction. "I came because Varric opened the trunk we found in the tunnels."

"What trunk?" She snapped, crossing her arms over her chest and waiting for his answer.

"The one found in that… _monster's_ living space, love." Anders whispered, trying not to look her in the eye.

Marian felt anger rush through her at the mention of her mother's murderer. "Well what was in it?"

Fenris walked to where a small table sat with a lamp atop it. Lifting a pile of velium in his hand, he walked back to her side before handing it to her. "See for yourself."

Irritated, Marian grabbed the papers, staring fixedly at Fenris as she did so. Then she sighed and took a peek at what was in her hands. There were rituals for necromancy, a list of herbs needed for a spell, presumedly the one that Leandra had been killed for, and a letter.

Pulling the letter from the pile, she dropped the rest of the pieces to the ground.

_My dear friend,_

_I have obtained the books you requested. I'll leave them at our usual hiding spot. Please collect them as soon as possible. I would hate to see them in the wrong hands!_

_Your last letter was fascinating! You have proven me wrong, once again, by doing the impossible. I shouldn't have doubted your resolve, and I hope you will keep me apprised of further progress._

_Your friend and colleague, _

_O_

Marian frowned before reading the letter again. Then she glanced up at the two men watching her. "Does anyone know who 'O' is?"

Anders put his hand out. "May I see?"

She passed the letter to him without protest. He read it quickly before his eyebrows came together in concern. "What is it, Anders?"

"I… I think I know who wrote this."

Marian tapped her foot impatiently while Anders tried to form the words she so desperately needed to hear. "Well?"

"I believe Orsino might have written this letter… aiding your mother's murderer."


	5. Conscience Makes Cowards of Us All

_Chapter 5: "Conscience Makes Cowards of Us All"_

"Marian! Think about what you're saying!" Anders begged as he followed her into the bedroom. He had been trying to reason with her for the last hour and she didn't know whether he'd stop or not. "If you go through with this-"

"I'll finally have my revenge." She finished for him as she opened her closet to retrieve her cloak. "I need to do this, Anders."

"This is insanity!" He snapped, not giving up his tirade. "I cannot condone this. If the templars catch you-"

Marian whirled on him. She may love the man beyond all reason, but she was tired of hearing him take the mages' side. Orsino may have been the First Enchanter of the Kirkwall Circle, but Marian wasn't going to let blood mages and their friends get away with what happened to her mother. "Insanity is what happened to my mother, Anders. Insanity is what this man did to those other poor women in order to complete whatever sick fantasy he had. I will not allow things like this to continue if I can put a stop to it."

She brushed by him on her way to the door. Fenris was waiting in the atrium for her so they could continue on to the Gallows and to Orsino. Anders followed at her heels down the staircase and continued to list the reasons why confronting the First Enchanter was a terrible idea. She ignored him until she met Fenris' moss colored gaze and saw the annoyance there.

"Are you going to do this the entire way to the Gallows?" Marian asked Anders, taking a deep breath to center herself.

"If I must." came his reply.

With a sigh, Marian tightened the clasp on her cloak before speaking. "That's unfortunate." Turning around to face the man she considered to be the only one she'd ever loved, Marian placed a hand on his cheek. Looking into his honey-colored eyes, she spoke the words to a sleep spell.

Anders didn't realize what had hit him until it was too late. He collapsed into a heap on the rug covered floor, unconscious. Marian leaned down to brush some blond hair from his face. She regretted having to use any type of spell on Anders, but he'd left her no choice. If he wasn't going to stand back and let her do what she had to, then she had to take him out of the equation.

Once back on her feet, Marian glanced at Fenris. The elf was staring at her in shock.

"What?" She snapped at him, despising the look on his face.

"I… must admit. I didn't expect that from you, Hawke." Fenris stated respectfully. He glanced from her to the prone form of Anders. "To put a sleep spell on your lover-"

Marian glared at him. "The man I love, Fenris. Don't forget that."

The white haired elf nodded his head once at her statement. "As true as that may be, Hawke, it is me following you, not him."

Marian ignored the pain that shot through her chest at the truth of those words. Fenris was always beside her, though he despised mages, and she never had to question his loyalty. Anders was too involved with the mage underground to truly understand Marian's dislike of the rebellion. He had never asked her why she was against it, only took the time to educate her in how she was wrong.

With a sigh, Fenris brushed hair out of his face and looked at her with those piercing green eyes of his. "I will get you the time you seek to speak with the First Enchanter." When Marian walked past him, he reached out and grabbed her arm, stopping her movement. She met his gaze once more and waited for him to speak. "Stay safe, Hawke. You must promise me."

With a weak smile, knowing this was a promise she couldn't keep, Marian replied, "I promise, Fenris."

* * *

First Enchanter Orsino was sitting at his desk when Marian entered. He glanced up briefly, silver eyes taking in her appearance quickly, before focusing on the letter he was writing once more. "I will be with you in a moment."

Marian closed the door behind her and waited for him to finish whatever it was he was concentrating so skillfully on. He could have been writing to family, those he left behind when coming to the Circle in Kirkwall.

_Or_, Marian thought to herself as she watched him closely, _he was writing to that damned blood mage that lay in a pile of dirt beneath the city._

That thought set her blood on fire. How dare he not get to be held responsible for the actions of someone he was protecting? Here was the First Enchanter of the Circle, a leader to the mages of Kirkwall, throwing his lot in with blood mages who committed some of the most heinous acts that Marian had ever been witness to, and he is allowed to roam free without any consequences. While Leandra was rotting in the ground, dead because of this man's _friend_, Orsino could go back to his bed at night and sleep untroubled. Marian memorized the features of the man in front of her: the long, pointed ears of an elf, gray shoulder length hair that was beginning to bald at the top, silver eyes and a thin nose. Nothing impressive to look at, but then again, most men didn't hold Marian's eye.

Orsino set down his quill after a few minutes more before glancing up at her. A smile graced his lips as he spoke. "It's quite the surprise to see you in the Gallows, Hawke. What brings you here?"

Marian didn't bother to waste time with pleasantries. Slanting her blue eyes in his direction, the mage leaned against the closed door in order to block his exit. "He's dead."

Orsino's steel colored eyes widened slightly and a look of confusion descended upon his face. "I'm sure I don't understand who you mean."

Trying to keep her composure, Marian approached the desk and tossed the crumpled letter from the chest into his line of view. Orsino stared at the half crushed piece of vellum. "Your friend, Quentin? He's lying in the tunnels under Darktown. There is an enormous gaping wound where his chest used to be."

She could see him turn pale at those words. With a rush of courage, Marian straightened herself to her full height. She'd get to him to confess his part in Leandra's death if it was the last thing she did. "He used his necromancy magic to piece together his dead wife. He used my mother in his experiments. He _killed_ her! _Do you understand?_"

Orsino clutched the letter between white fingers before meeting her cold gaze. "Is this what you're here for, Hawke? Retribution? I am sorry, but there is nothing I can give you other than my condolences."

Hawke slammed her hands on the desk and leaned forward until their noses nearly touched. "How _dare_ you offer me condolences when this is partly your doing!"

"My doing?" Orsino snapped at her, pushing his chair back and standing. He was shorter than her, as was usual when comparing elves to their human counterparts, so Marian still had to look down at him. "Who are you to claim such a thing?"

With a sigh, she glanced away from him. Anders' argument with her earlier that morning passed through her thoughts as she decided her final course of action. He would never forgive her for what she was about to do. She _knew_ that. But in Marian's mind, there was no other way to solve the brokenness of her heart. She loved Anders. She loved all of her friends dearly. She even loved Fenris, a man that had hurt her more than once in the past. She loved each of them in their own special ways, but she had to do this. She would never be at peace until every last person responsible for her mother's death had paid.

Pulling her staff from its place at her back, Marian turned towards the First Enchanter. He caught the deadly expression on her face and took a step back, unsure of her next move. "If you hadn't protected him, kept him from the justice of the templars, _she_ would still be alive."

"I only knew of his research." Orsino said quickly, glancing around the room for an escape. "I swear, I wasn't aware he was committing murders to further his own desires."

Marian had heard enough. She turned and pointed the staff at the wooden door. Ice encased it, sealing off their only exit. When she looked at Orsino again, she noticed that he was cowering behind his desk.

"You're a coward." She said, taking slow, deliberate steps towards the elven man. "You can't even face me when you know you've wronged me. When you know you could have stopped these murders. How can you defend the mages in Kirkwall when you can't even defend yourself?"

"If you kill me, Hawke, you will regret it. The Knight Commander will never allow this to stand." Orsino stated, trying to find something with which to make Marian pause and reconsider her revenge.

Marian shook her head as if she couldn't believe the words coming from his mouth. Pointing the staff towards the First Enchanter, she spoke her final words to him. "So be it."

* * *

Fenris paced across the cobblestone street as he waited for any sign of Marian. It felt as if time had passed slowly, but as he glanced at the bright sky above him, he realized that it was past the hour Hawke had designated him to give her. If she hadn't completed her task by then, he would have to come in and drag her out. As he was about to make a decision on his next course of action, the sound of armoured footsteps echoed through the courtyard. Turning his attention towards the chaos, his green eyes took in the sight of the Knight Commander leading a squad of templars toward where the First Enchanter's office was located.

Fear washed over the elf at the sight and he quickly followed the group. He couldn't let anything happen to Marian. He would never forgive himself if she were caught using magic to get a confession out of the mage. She would surely be either killed or made Tranquil for doing so. Fenris would not let that happen to her.

As he ascended the staircase that would lead him to the building that housed the offices of the First Enchanter and Knight Commander, he paused when he heard the sound of a dozen or more swords being drawn. He was going to reach for his own two-handed blade when movement caught his attention. The Knight Commander and her Captain, a young blond man Fenris remembered was named Cullen, held a figure between them. The young woman was covered in blood, the sight grisly and disturbing. Her small wrists were clamped in irons, no doubt enchanted to block her magical abilities. Her dark hair was soaked in the crimson liquid, pieces of something Fenris didn't wish to know were scattered through the tresses. He barely recognized her. But when those stunning blue eyes met his, Fenris nearly unleashed his fury on the templars.

"What have you done to her?" He growled, putting a hand to the pommel of his sword, waiting for the moment when he would have to use it against the Chantry soldiers. "Release her!"

The Knight Commander turned a glare in his direction. "Out of my way, elf. This woman has murdered the First Enchanter of the Gallows. Justice will be served."

Fenris felt his heart sink. Murder? She had actually _killed_ the man? Looking at Hawke, he noticed the dead look in her eyes for the first time. She had allowed herself to be caught. She didn't want to live anymore, that much was obvious with her suicide attempt. Had she done this on purpose?

The answer was in her gaze: _Yes. _

Fenris took a step back in order to let the templars and their prisoner pass. Marian would be executed for the crime of murder and there was nothing that he could do. There was nothing Anders could do. They had lost the woman they both loved to her own darkness.


	6. Epilogue

**A/N:** This is the end of the story. I had so much fun coming up with this for the 2014 DAFW's Summer Competition. I hope everyone enjoyed reading it. I would appreciate it greatly if there are any other stories of mine that you are interested in, please read them and let me know what you think. I adore writing for Dragon Age and plan to continue to do so as we await DA:I. A huge thank you to Apollo Wings for creating this competition and letting me be a judge for it. I am looking forward to seeing what the contestants come up with. I want to extend my sincerest thanks to those of you that have commented, but especially to the following: karebear, FenZev, Michelle Clover, KatjaLaRoux, and alyssacousland for their endless support. I am truly blessed to have friends such as you.

Note: I was listening to "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol earlier and it inspired the flashback. :)

* * *

_Epilogue_

A chill breeze blew in from the Waking Sea. It tossed Anders' loose blond hair into the air and brushed against his unshaven jaw. The robes he wore did little to block out the cold surrounding him, although in that particular moment, he gave little consideration to the discomfort it caused. His companions stood beside him; Fenris, Varric, Aveline, Merrill, Isabela and Sebastian. Not one of them could offer a word of comfort for his otherwise empty heart.

The day before Marian had placed a sleep spell on him, rendering him unconscious and unable to stop her from doing the very thing he had feared. She had let her anger and her grief consume her. It lead her on the destructive path she so willingly waltzed down and now the time had come for her pain to end. She had committed murder within the walls of the Gallows, the very place the templars ruled. They had sensed her magic and had sought her out, but she hadn't run. She submitted to their twisted sense of justice and allowed them to treat her like a dog. Fenris, when he had returned to the estate without her, had explained what happened. She didn't even put up a fight.

Fenris was certain that she had let herself be caught on purpose. That she had a death wish. He might have been right. Had Anders been there, he might have had a chance to stop her from making the terrible mistake. But he hadn't been and now Marian had to pay for Orsino's brutal death with her own life.

Knight Commander Meredith, in her heavy templar armour, lead a procession of soldiers towards where the executioner, the man who would take Marian's life, stood. He was situated on a raised platform a few feet from where Anders and his friends waited, a mask covering his face so no one would know who had done the grisly deed. A noose hung next to him, opened and ready for a neck. Swallowing his fear, Anders' golden eyes watched as the templars formed a line in front of the platform, keeping the crowd separate from the place where the woman he loved would die.

The Knight Commander lead Marian Hawke through the crowd with chains secured around her wrists. Chains that most likely drained her of mana in order to stop magic from flowing through her. Her hair was disheveled, her eyes downcast. Her normal pale skin now had a sickly pallor to it and she looked exhausted. It was as if she'd finally given up all hope. Anders had never seen Marian look like that, so lost and broken. Even though her mother had just passed, the grief and sadness was second to the all consuming anger she'd felt against those who had taken Leandra from her. Now she was a shell of her former self.

Meredith positioned Marian directly behind the suspended rope before turning to face the crowd that had gathered below. "This woman is to be executed for the crime of murder. She killed our First Enchanter in cold blood and admitted to doing as such." The Commander of the templars glanced at Marian with a disgusted expression. She wasn't hiding her hate of the mage and the audience could see it easily. "Do you have anything to say before you are sent to your fate, _murderer_?"

Marian finally looked up, but it wasn't to gaze at Meredith or the crowd waiting for her death. She didn't waste those precious last moments on her friends. No, her topaz eyes found Anders and locked on him as if the words she was about to utter were for him only. "I do not regret what I did. I did it for reasons of my own which no one will understand. But I will not apologize for the First Enchanter's death. I did what had to be done for the good of Kirkwall. I did what had to be done for myself. If I pay for that with my life, so be it. I'll have died doing something I believed in. _Justice_."

The crowd began to chatter amongst themselves as the executioner strode forward to place the noose around Marian's neck. Meredith and a few of her templars left the platform and began to make their way back the way they'd come. Isabela placed her hand on Anders' shoulder as the rope was tightened around the throat of the only woman he had ever loved. A woman he would have given anything for. If only he had listened to her cries for help sooner. Shrugging the offending appendage from his shoulder, the healer took a step closer to the platform, his gaze never wavering. Marian wasn't afraid of her death and he wouldn't let her seen how scared he was to lose her. She deserved that much, after all they'd been through.

His friends tried to discourage him, telling him that it would be easier if he didn't watch, but he was too far beyond caring to listen to a single thing they said. He would stand as a witness to the depravity that the templars, that this damned city, did to a beautiful soul such as Marian's. Once the rope was secured to the executioner's content, the man walked to the lever that would be the end of it all. Anders fought against the desire to shut his eyes. His heart pounded out a steady cadence as he waited, praying to the Maker, to Andraste, that this was all a nightmare that he would wake from. That hope died as he heard the wooden trap door drop out from beneath Marian's feet and the sound of the rope snapping under her weight. His eyes barely had time to register it all. As she fell through the opening underneath her, the sudden drop immediately snapped her neck, giving her a quick death. Gasps and murmurs erupted within the crowd. Closing his eyes to block out the image of his dead lover, the sound of Merrill's weeping reached his ears. Anders thought about a time when he and Marian had been happy. _Truly_ happy. Before mages and templars and the injustice in the world had become their life.

_Marian was motionless beside him. Her breathes were slow and steady, her face turned so she could stare at the fire across the bedroom. Lupo, Marian's mabari hound, slept on the rug in front of the hearth without a single ear twitch or whine. _

"_You know what I want?" Her soft voice asked, her eyes staring into the hypnotizing red and orange of the flames._

_Anders glanced at her with an eyebrow raised and a smirk on his lips. He'd only been living with her for about a week now, but every night, before they fell asleep, she would share something with him that he'd never known about her. He was intrigued to know what she was intending to share tonight. "What is it you want, love?"_

_With a wistful sigh, her blue eyes met his amber ones without hesitation. "I want to stay like this. Forever."_

_Anders wrapped his arms around her and pulled her to his chest. Resting his chin on her head, he brushed a gentle kiss across her hair. "As do I. Nothing would make me happier."_

_They were silent for a few minutes, both content with lying in each others arms for no other reason than to feel safe and loved. Anders hadn't felt safe many times in his past, but with Marian, he knew that nothing could hurt him. Her love was like fire and ice, hot and cold, but one thing was certain, though she was passionate when it came to love, and even hate, she was reliable and trustworthy. She was there for him and he couldn't say he knew another person the way he knew his lover._

_Marian pulled her head from his chest in order to glance up into his eyes. "Do you think that's possible?"_

"_Hmm?" He murmured, placing a kiss on her nose then her cheek before finally arriving at her lips._

"_Anders- do you think we could just stay in bed and never get up? I don't want this to end." Marian said with a pout. _

_He couldn't deny the effect that expression had on him. With a smile, he said, "Love, I will be here until the day we die. I promise you. I will never leave you, no matter what happens."_

_With a breathless laugh, Marian snuggled closer to him. As Anders held her, he knew this was what he'd been searching for his entire life. He hoped it wouldn't be ripped from his grasp like everything else..._

When he finally opened his eyes again, the sight of Marian dangling from the noose was enough to anger him. Justice stirred within and knowing that her death had pained the spirit as much as he, Anders turned away and began the walk back to Darktown. He had nothing left for him here. The least he could do was make sure that when he finally did leave, or die if that was what the Maker willed, that the templars would finally get their due and that the mages of Thedas finally had a means to fight back.

There was no chance of compromise now.


End file.
